Each week we will post our most outrageous search terms that people used to find our website that week. Ryan and I will then share our own thoughts and hopefully entertain you guys or at least make the search term make a little less sense.
This week we are actually doing something a little different. We have Chico Dusty from Sex.com with us to share some of his thoughts.
Chico Dusty: First of all, I’d like to thank Ryan and Venice for having me here. I’ve been a fan of theirs for a while and since getting to know them via Twitter I’ve come to realize that they are two of the best people in the whole wide world.
Anyways, that’s enough flattery for now. It’s time for an introduction.
I’m Chico Dusty. Some of you may already know me from The Sex.com Blog. When I tell people I write for Sex.com, they usually say, “Oh God. Sex.com? That was the first website I ever visited.”
Some people are drawn the simplicity of the domain name, others find me by the sheer insanity of what they searched. Today, I’m going to share with you the craziest search terms in Google Analytics for a very special Sex.com edition of “Freaky Friday Search Terms”.
Each search term was gathered by wordpress and/or google statistics and they are all very real search terms. Each search term was used by some person in the world that ended up on sex.com.
10. a knight’s tale nude
Chico: I’ve definitely never written about A Knight’s Tale but I do secretly love this movie because there was a period in my life where I was watching it weekly on TBS Superstation. How were they able to find me based on a secret love of this movie? Are there any nude scenes in A Knight’s Tale? I genuinely don’t know. There definitely weren’t when it was airing on TBS.
Ryan: Hey man, you’re really the writer for sex.com? That was like the first site I ever visited when I turned 18.
Venice: Sure Ryan, you waited until you turned 18, huh?
Ryan: Of course I did.
Chico: Uh huh.
Ryan: I still remember on my 18th birthday I typed in S on my browser and it tried to default me to ScoobySnacks.com, because that is where I usually visited prior to coming of age. But on that glorious day I actually went to sex.com.
Venice: So was it worth the wait?
Ryan: Well, unfortunately, I learned that day that I was extremely under average. Thanks a fucking lot, Chico.
Chico: No problem.
Venice: Oh dear.
9. anyone remember internet pics from 2005-2007 of girl named “summer”?
Chico: My advice to this person is to stop living in the past. 2005-2007 was a long time ago. This “Summer” girl is just a memory and you’re going to find her with this vague description.
Ryan: Daaayuuumn, Chico is dropping big knowledge beans on ’em.
Venice: Knowledge beans?
Ryan: Sure, why not. I’m trying to be “hip cool Ryan” today.
Venice: Stop.
8. beastiality archive
Chico: I knew that secret archive of BESTIALITY would come back to haunt me someday.
Ryan: Where?
Venice: He’s joking, Ryan.
Ryan: How do you know? He doesn’t seem like he is joking. Did you see his advice in the previous search term? Knowledge beans and everything. He is genuinely trying to help people here.
Chico: Ryan…
Venice: Chico, no, don’t do it. Don’t feed into it. Don’t feed the animals.
Ryan: Speaking of animals, I’d like to see that hidden archive Chic Doggy Dogg.
Chico: Ryan…
Venice: Let it go Chico, he’s not right. He’s just not right.
7. sex woman no torso
Venice: Wtf?
Ryan: I believe that is called a Flesh Light.
Chico: Does anyone know what the appeal of having sex with a woman with no torso? Maybe it’s just me, but for me I like a woman with a torso.
Ryan: Where would I cum?
Venice: This really confused you huh, Ryan?
Ryan: Seriously, like, her tramp stamp would have to be on her shoulders if she didn’t have a torso.
Venice: Oh god.
Ryan: If I wanted to slap her ass would I have to punch her chest?
Chico: That’s not quite what I expected.
Venice: Ryan’s heard that a few times.
6. Cheetos porn
Chico: As far as food and sex go, I draw the line at chocolate. Chocolate is delicious and it can act as an mild aphrodisiac. That’s why chocolate and sex work.
Venice: Ooooh, I can do chocolate.
Chico: Cheetos though? No thanks. I would rather get pegged than have that greasy, orange dust all over my skin and sheets.
Ryan: I’d have to test the lubrication elements between the Cheetos and chocolate to really make an educated decision. It sounds like the greasy orange dust may have a slight edge over sticky chocolate., but before I give any input, I’ll research a bit more. I like to make sure anything I say is as accurate as possible.
Chico: Seems like it.
Ryan: …
Venice: Yea, Mr. Accurate, A.K.A. Knowledge Beans
5. Has India Reynolds done porn befor?
Chico: Yes, she’s a porn star.
Ryan: Wait, so you’re saying a porn star has done porn before?
Chico: Yes.
Venice: Deep…
Ryan: Real deep.
4. How do I watch porn?
Chico: The first thing you need to do is learn how to watch things…
Venice: Chico wait, let me take this one.
Ryan: You sure, Venice? This may be a bit over your head?
Chico: That’s true, it could get a bit complicated Venice. Just say your safety word and I will help you out.
Ryan: What the hell? You and Chico have a safety word Venice?
Venice: Purple nurple
Chico: …
Ryan: …
Venice: Okay, anyway, back to the question. First, you have to find porn. Then you watch it.
Chico: My mind is blown right now.
Ryan: Purple nurple?
3. How sexually good will a pornstar make me feel if she were to fuck me?
Chico: Probably pretty good. Just think about how sexually good you usually feel after you fuck and then multiply that by 3. Get it? 3X? XXX? Stupid joke. I know. I’m sorry.
Ryan: …
Venice: …
Ryan: Hey man, are you really the guy from sex.com though? That was like the first site I ever visited.
Chico: …
Chico: Is he going to do this the entire time?
Venice: Maybe.
Ryan: Do what?
2. Is having sex in a car bad luck?
Chico: Unless you manage to break all the mirrors in the car while you’re having sex, I would say that you’re in the clear luck-wise.
Ryan: Well, if the car is parked under a ladder, it could be a bit sketchy.
Venice: Especially if like a black cat jumps on the hood and looks in the car while you’re having oral sex.
Ryan: Well, if her name is Mary and she is on her period?
Venice: Oh my god, you’re so bloody Mary!
Chico: Bloody Mary?
Ryan: Okay, listen, if one of you says that name again I am stopping right now. Not funny.
Venice: But we’re not even in a car Ryan, it’s okay.
Ryan: Seriously, not funny.
1. Reasons why girls cum tastes salty?
Venice: It’s probably not a girl’s cum.
Ryan: Are you licking a girls cum off sweaty balls?
Venice: Did your salty sweaty balls rub up against her pussy before she came?
Chico: Maybe she just peed?
Venice: It’s not pee though.
Ryan: It is if it’s salty.
Chico: If I were you, I wouldn’t worry about why a girl’s cum tastes salty and just take solace in the fact you were able to make her cum. All things considered, making a girl cum isn’t THAT easy.
Venice: Chico just changed the topic to save an argument.
Ryan: It’s pee.
Venice: It’s not pee.
Ryan: It’s water that comes from the bladder.
Venice: Whatever.
Chico: Thanks again Ryan and Venice. I love you both very much.
Venice: Bloody Mary!
Ryan: Wtf, not cool at all.
Ryan gets out of bed nude to grab his soda from the kitchen. As he comes back to the bedroom with his tail wagging, he anxiously asks:
So Ryan’s complaining about something…